ESSAYS on THE NEW ECONOMY #12

How we get unstuck... by doing it all on our own!

In the New Economy, it will be more important your health than your wealth, more valuable the quality of your friendships than the quantity in your bank account, more inspiring to show how curious you are about others than to demonstrate how much you already know. Are you manifesting the New Economy in your life?

We are survivors

Do you remember the Destiny’s Child hit number “Survivor” ? I’m a survivor, I’m not gonna give up, I’m not gonna stop, I’m gonna work harder. Yeah, that’s an anthem we can all get behind!

But did you know that — after that song was released and became famous on the radio and boosted Beyonce’s early credentials even further ahead to begin thinking about her solo career — a whole bunch of people tried to bring her down?

There were multiple lawsuits from people saying that the band stole the sound or the lyrics, there were lawsuits from people saying they were the ones being talked about in a “defamatory” way in the song, and there were media personalities drawing attention to the girl band drama (drama that many bands go through when figuring out the right chemistry for their team). So Beyoncé might have gotten hung up about all that and stopped her career right there. Instead, she grew stronger and she’s now world famous and indisputably one of the greatest female singer-songwriters of all time, besides also a successful businesswoman.

How did she get past the obstacles?

All on her lonesome, by sheer charisma and force of personality, of course!

OK, I admit, I’m joking.

Beyoncé is incredible, and she has certainly embraced the myth of personality while becoming famous, strategically talking about how she’s written songs and acted in movies and come up with great ideas, because that is what the general public wants to see. We believe that “great people” are geniuses, and they overcome all the challenges by some individualistic magic.

The real truth is: Beyoncé didn’t achieve success all on her lonesome. Beyoncé (and many many other successful people like her) are expert collaborators with critically important support teams. That’s how they (over the long-term) work harder and never give up.

They would get stuck, stumble and fail to find their way, if it weren’t for the support teams around them.

I am no different.

Granted, I’m nowhere near as sexy as Beyoncé, nor as famous (and rightly so). But I too have learned time and again that if I’m going to keep advancing in life, moving through the challenges, surviving and getting out of harrowing circumstances, I need support systems.

It’s not always clear though, when do we lean back on others and get their assurance that all is well, and when do we lean forward and advance with authenticity even if others wouldn’t do like we do?

Here’s a story: The other day, I’m alone in my apartment (I work from home). I have a plan set out for myself, to do some writing, publish my coaching website, have a few phone calls, make lunch, do some yoga, clean up the apartment. & then all of a sudden, a situation arises that really complicates things.

For context, we used to live in a building that had wonderful neighbors and a brand-new-looking lobby, always clean and with colorfully-lit-up faux-stained-glass, a large elevator (rare for Paris), and a definite curse. The heating would break for days during winter, the 4 years we lived there hardly a week went by that didn’t involve loud construction sounds of drills, motors, loud banging etc, the elevator would break repeatedly, and the hot water heater would malfunction multiple times a month, sometimes for weeks at a time.

Eventually these problems helped cause new problems! Like a large pipe bursting on the 6th floor one evening, lots of tenant turnover and frustration which meant new neighbors sometimes didn’t know the rules and would cause problems for others, and worse of all — for purposes of this story — our sink getting clogged because of people cleaning with cold water.

So this particular day, as I was getting started with my routines, I go to wash the dishes from breakfast and the sink is clogged again. I pour drain cleaner down the drain, as one should (or at least that’s what I’ve understood). I wait a long time. I flush hot water down the sink, hoping to see some positive results. Nada. I start to look up youtube videos and advice columns checking to see what others might suggest before calling a plumber. I grow in confidence and begin to think maybe I should try something more drastic.

Again for some context:

I know that men are supposed to be, well, the handymen, right? And I get that that’s a stereotype, and not all men are born with that skill, they acquire it later, and whatever. In our couple, my wife is the handy(wo)man. Over our 12 years, she’s been the one generally to fix stuff, paint walls, move furniture, repair things. I’m grateful for that, even while it’s sometimes embarrassing how bad I am at doing some of those things, and how much I need her to help with certain tasks. Like, the stereotype is the housewife nagging the husband to finish some homerepair work over a weekend, but I’m the househusband sometimes nagging my wife to (for example) unclog the sink.

And so I wanted to be learning and growing, and trying new things. I decided to see what I could do with the pipes under the sink. I’d seen my wife do it a few times, and I thought maybe it will be a little gross and maybe require some elbow grease, but I can do this. I can fiddle with the pipes, find what’s clogging up the sink, and move on with my day. No problem. Work of a half hour, maybe. We can do this.

I didn’t find gloves, and I really wasn’t sure what pipes were doing what, but I imagined myself as the handyman (an inner voice egging me on with the line, don’t be such a wimp!) and I went to work. Opening up one section, with a bucket underneath, a little water came out and it was brown and gunky, but nothing major.

I looked at the sink above, and it was still pretty clogged, the water trickling down at a slower than snail’s pace, so I kept going. I put a bowl under another pipe, a bit lower to the ground so the bowl had to be smaller to fit underneath it, and I start unscrewing a thing, and some water trickles out slowly. I’m thinking it’ll go like the last time, a little bit of water, and then I’ll try and clear out the pipes nearby— even if it’s gross — using my fingers. We are going to find a solution!

Unfortunately, when I finished unscrewing the piece, water gushed out “unclogging” the sink and emptying everything onto the kitchen floor. Hooray! New mess to clean up.

Long story short, after an hour of clean-up, I tried again, and accidentally repeated the same mistake. After another hour of clean-up, I finally decided to let the task to more able hands, and started in on some calming activites to de-stress because yes— I did scream at the top of my lungs, and yes— it was a rather humiliating experience, and yes— I did not succeed, despite my best solo efforts to unstuck the stuck sink.

So you see, it’s a metaphor: We go it alone, try to be strong, and sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we fail. If we are REALLY really stuck, and we have tried all that we can try, maybe we ask for help! Because there’s no shame in saying, even the most talented artists in the world require help to get through tricky situations.

Beyoncé had her dad / manager as well as her bandmates and various music collaborators to help write hit songs and to help make captivating music videos, to help navigate tricky legal situations, and to find the courage to keep going bolder and not be brought down by opposition.

I have my spouse, my parents, my weekend parent friends, my long-distance high-quality conversation friends, my childhood friends, my project collaborators, my accountability group, various ad hoc coaches, therapists, and mentors.

You maybe have your spouse, some close friends, your quick wit and the internet. You got all you need! AND if things get REALLY really stuck, it’s maybe time to call in a plumber. (hey, Mario!)

OR to unravel the metaphor, maybe it’s time to call in a professional coach who can help you sort through what actions to take that allow you to learn and grow, what actions to avoid that might otherwise get you into a deeper mess than you had started with. Especially if you are facing something fairly complex that leaves you feeling deeply helpless but also deeply frustrated. You are not alone.

I happen to be a coach that helps people navigate these types of tricky situations.

No, I don’t know how to make a Billboard 200 hit single. I’m also really bad at fixing stuff around the house. But when it comes to the tricky situation of navigating the emotional competition between your desire to succeed professionally and prove your worth, butted up against your curiosity to explore new fields, and your sense of responsibility to your family, intersected with the overgrown thornbushes of your childhood traumas, and buried beneath myths and fairy tales that used to be legitimate paradigms serving your needs and desires but which have lately become a set of limiting beliefs that are holding you back, and you can’t figure out exactly why. You’re starting to feel it might be impossible to get out of the mess because when you try to explain it to people close to you, you feel even worse, more trapped, more messy. It’s the sort of thing that I’m a master at mopping up and setting straight.

So if you need someone to lean on, to figure out what’s got you stuck… I’ll add my hat to the ring of people offering to help you find a way out. Let’s get to know each other better!

Feel free to schedule a call.
It’s FREE and it’s fun, and it might just be the thing (or a thing) that changes your life for the better.

If you’re sure you don’t need to hire a coach, because your life is running smoothly (all the pipes are flowing nicely and you feel good in your skin), let’s take a moment to acknowledge all the people around us who help make that possible, who help us take care. It’s not individualistic super-heroism that allows us to flow, it’s our human support systems. Thanks to all who support me and keep me moving!

Wherever you are, wishing you clarity in knowing when to push forward and when to lean back. Thanks for reading!