ESSAYS on THE NEW ECONOMY #2
Do Men Need Help?
We all know how to ask for help, right? On the surface, it appears easy enough.
When you notice you could use the help of others, you ask for it. Easy-peasy.
Difficulties arise, however, when we don’t know where to look in terms of asking (who? where? at what time?). In cases where we don’t receive the help we think we asked for and it’s unclear why, that also can be frustrating. We can ask for feedback but might lack the courage to do so.
Difficulties can also arise if we do not perceive the need for help because we’re used to doing things on our own.
To be skilled at asking for help, we need a few key things:
a beginner mindset that feels no shame asking for help, even as an experienced adult
a habit of acknowledging the help of others (asked for or not), even if it feels as if we did it "alone"
an ability to ask for help in a precise manner
a balance between asking and giving help
While we all have at some point asked for help, it is easier done when we are young, when we are beginners. Once we are older and (hopefully) more accomplished, we might begin to feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Unable to do a thing on our own, we must ask for help. Doing so, however, we might feel ashamed, embarrassed; we feel regrettably like a child, maybe we feel stupid. We might then avoid asking for help altogether. We want to be an individualist “strong enough” to go it alone.
It’s a matter of forgetting. We forget (or are trained perhaps to forget) that to be learning is to be thriving. The pace at which children learn new things is inspiring, and it’s tightly tied to the fact they have no shame about being helped. We confuse “doing it ourselves” as “strength” because it does feel like an accomplishment to have learned to do things on our own, and we are often individually rewarded by managers and teachers, but this leaves out a key truth. No one can succeed for long if they are all alone. We need each other to learn and we need each other’s help in order to thrive.
Imagine a world where high-achievers were rewarded not for individual achievement (which is usually a constructed myth, anyway) but instead for sharing the spotlight!
If we learned better how to acknowledge help received in the past, we’d be better able to recognize in future the moments when we need help again. To change habits, we must shift our attention and priorities toward that which matters to us more.
To ask for help in a precise way, to ask respectfully, it’s certainly an art. Knowing clearly what you need, bravely asking for it without asking too much, asking to the right person, thanking them for their time (regardless of what they can or can’t offer) … it all takes practice!
Often, if we feel ashamed asking for help, it’s because we have forgotten that even the person asking is at the same time offering something in return. When we ask for help, we extend the opportunity for the other to feel greater self-confidence. The person we ask to help is then able to realize more clearly what value they can offer.
To remember these truths, it helps if we are not only asking for help but offering it as well.
Of course, we can offer help to others professionally by becoming a mentor, by sharing of our network or of our expertise. Whether arranged or spontaneous, mentorship helps not only the more junior professional but the more senior-level one as well. It has been proven that soft skills - also called “leadership skills” - are strengthened when mentoring others. Thus the help is never one-sided but always (whether perceived or not) goes both ways.
Typically, we imagine professional mentorship as being offered to women. At least, that’s what is talked about most in the public sphere. That though is starting to change. Men have for decades (even centuries) benefited from professional mentorship. The more that women become leaders professionally (which is usually a benefit for organizations overall), the more instances we’ll see of women mentoring men. This is a good thing.
Because whether men realize it or not, women have a lot to teach us. Women are better at creating psychological safety in the workplace. & 89% of Americans surveyed a few years ago said that it was essential leaders create a safe and respectful environment for the long-term success of their business.
Similarly, for a more equitable world to be realized, more men will need to take a genuine interest — dare I say, even a genuine pleasure — in the activities of the home (not only in fixing things, but also in caring for children, cleaning dishes, folding the laundry). It’s not a punishment. Domestic activities offer opportunity for movement, a break from the screen, a chance to see tangibly (with only a little time invested) something important accomplished. All these things are shown to support well-being.
Beyond domestic tasks, men prioritizing care work would make the professional world more equitable. There is a worrying gap in qualified HEAL workers, and men can be part of the solution. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if more men felt excited shifting their career toward care, working as nannies, teachers, nurses or pediatricians. Even without shifting careers, men can shift energy and attention away from work and more toward their children, nieces, nephews, aging parents. While male loneliness is on the rise (over the past 25 years, the percentage of American males, e.g., reporting they have zero close friends has increased from 3% to 15%), there are opportunities to connect more with family and with the self by caring for others.
If you don’t know where to start, ask for help.
Parenting can be really really hard, especially when it relies only on one or two people. Asking family members, friends, neighbors to help out — especially in the early years of a child’s life — can make the experience more bearable, even pleasurable. It also creates energizing connections for those you invite to be part of the process raising children. We do not have to default to doing things on our own.
During the first confinement in spring 2020, one study in France measured twice as many women as men caring for a young child (of less than 3 years) for 4 hours or more per day. In 2011, women spent twice as much time on average (each day) caring for children as did men. So we can say that the gender balance when parenting young children has not much improved over the last 10+ years. Fortunately, the past is rarely a sound indicator for what will happen in the future.
If you are a man and don’t like the statistics shared in this essay, I challenge you to invest time and energy differently. It will make a difference globally and locally. Seeing life less and less as a competition, over time we will center it instead around care and mutual aid. It’s all about balance.
You may find that with the help of others, you are less stressed and more grounded, more calm and less productivity-obsessed, more adaptive and energized to learn.
I encourage you to ask a friend today: Would you say I’m someone you can turn to when you need help?
Then too, reflect on the last time you asked for help. Was it recently? Did you feel at ease asking? Did you remember to thank the person who helped you?
If we want a healthier society, — and here I’m speaking primarily to us men — we’re gonna need to work for it. There is work to be done, that we might not be paid to do, and yet still it is worth doing. & if it seems too challenging or we aren’t sure where to start, maybe it’s time we ask for help :)
If you’re reading this and self-identify as a woman, thanks for your patience. We’re learning.